Normal

"I was attracted to abusive men because that felt normal to me."

"I hit my wife because I saw my daddy hit my mama. I thought that is what I was supposed to do.”

Normal. Conforming to a standard. Typical. Expected.

The first thing I learned about domestic violence during research for the series for “From Hell to Hope” is that it is a learned behavior passed down through families. Children growing up around physical, emotional, and mental abuse repeat the cycle, often later attracted to a person raised in the same kind of normal. The abuse continues. Normal helps explain why victims don't leave, abusers don't change, and domestic violence is a crime against the next generation. Principals, counselors, and judges say children raised in abusive households are more likely to grow into victims or perpetrators because it is the only normal they know.

Throughout interviews and stories of bruises, broken bones, shattered self-esteem and threats of death, victims told of family rules that trapped them into a normal that tolerates violence. Unwritten rules rooted so deep that breaking them is unacceptable, even to save a life or escape the pain.

"Christians don't get divorced."

"A woman is not a woman without a man.”

"A wife's role is to serve her husband."

"I made a commitment. I was raised to be loyal."

"A man is a good man if he pays the bills."

"Women are trained to be meek and obedient," said Brittany, who was molested by her stepfather and survived two abusive relationships before she got stronger on her own."We are taught from young girls to believe that Prince Charming will ride in and save us. We fall for it every time. Prince Charming is a mask covering a man with problems and a shitstorm waiting to happen. But we don't learn our lesson or help each other because this is all that we know."

Victims often said talking about abuse was not allowed because mothers, aunts, and grandmothers held the same secrets. Violence, molesting, and sexual assault went up the family tree.

"What happens in the house, stays in the house."

"Call Jesus on the mainline. Tell him your problems."

"We don't need counseling in this family."

"Leave that skeleton in your closet because I don't want to deal with the one in mine."

Men grow up with their own rules and normal.

"Boys don't cry."

"Men wear the pants in the family."

"A man's home is his castle. His wife and children are his possessions."

"I can't tell anyone what happened because I will look weak."

All families, not just abusive ones, pass down behaviors, beliefs and traditions. In mine, women are raised to be pleasers, caregivers, and fixers. If my family is happy, then I should be happy. Avoid confrontation and keep conflicting opinions to myself. Everything is always fine, and if it is not, smile anyway and take it to God in prayer. At age 48, my therapist said the blueprint I had followed my whole life needed revising and it is time to break free. The normal I was raised into is not always the normal I was created to be.

From domestic violence victims and counseling, I learned that fine and normal are not always correct, even if they feel comfortable and right. There are times we can ask for help and change our lives by changing the rules.

One day my boys will probably have to change their blueprint, too.

(Eyes by Ardith Goodwin).